“I get so lonely I forget what I’m worthâ€
“I’m so ashamed of myself, I think I need therapyâ€
“Is it warm enough for ya inside me?â€
“I’m sorry I’m so clingyâ€
“Lonely enough to let you treat me like thisâ€
These lines hit hard. The weight of failed and failing relationships, romantic and platonic is heavy atop my depression. Relationships I’ve abandoned, relationships I outgrew, lost, wasn’t ready for blah blah. We don’t talk about the pain of relationships often. We’re public when things are good, bragging about our besties, or our “baes†but retreat when they sour. It’s silence when things go bad, save maybe a well crafted subtweet here and there.
I recently cut ties with my immediate family, hard. Weeks sometimes months go by without talking to friends that were once so present, weird. Ended things with my favorite person in the world, devastating. It’s a hard thing to accept these changes so. To accept that the party is over. I spend my time going over things I want to say but can’t. Snooping through profiles on the outside looking in, piecing together my own ideas of what’s going on. Wondering if they miss me too, are they doing the same? I say nothing, communication has never been a strong suit. I could win awards for my internalization skills though. I rarely ask for help, I get defensive, I shutdown, preferring to suffer in silence. Why would this be any different?
I’m open yet resistant to new people, finding flaws in everyone and everything. An excuse to be distant, an excuse to not cultivate the relationship. It makes more sense to me that someone wouldn’t extend an invite to me. Wouldn’t text me back. Wouldn’t reciprocate my feelings. That they would change their mind about me. What’s wrong with them that they would want to be in my life? What do they want from me? I tend to attach myself to people, I become wrapped up in them, I want to give everything I can…I’m open but I’m guarded. Am I opening myself up to more pain? More failures? More takers, more toxic energy because I’m seeking to fill the gaps left by those I once loved. Maybe I’ll never know the answer to that.
The Comments
JOdie
Thank you for sharing this with us girl <3
Andrea
lovely photos!
kisses -A. / http://www.andreamurasan.com/
Raven
Thanks for these little doses of insight into the life of Ria â¤ï¸. These last couple of post have been so relatable with feelings that I’ve often felt many times myself.
Jannely
Great post. Once we become vulnerable and feel the emotions we become more human. Everything in life is a process. A new seed will grow and Spring will come back 🙂 thanks for sharing!
Anthony @oh_anthonio
Emotions taking me over with this post! Be strong sis and at the end of the day at least you know you always be cute. PS – you slayed this lewk Pajama mama!
Thomas Falkenstedt
Thank you for giving us the real version of what\’ going on in your life right now. I can relate to it quite a lot. I have had many losses in life and some I seriously thought I\’d never get over (and am still debating if I have or haven\’t). Then there are always ghosts of memories past. They might turn out to be friendly ghosts, but they haunt you when you least want or need them and very unexpectedly. I\’m an emotional person and know I\’m not perfect. I\’ve only learned one thing along the way. Crying helps. It cleanses. It still might hurt, but it makes you feel a bit better.
Love,
Thomas
Leila D.
Thanks for sharing, very personal post. I love your look. the pants are very cool xoxo
Darya
These lines hit hard FOR SURE!!
I truly understand what you mean! I can relate to it quite a lot.I have exactly the same situation (but ties with family, ended things with my bf… and even with my besties. I felt so lonely. And I felt that I become wrapped up in some ppl that are not interested in my personality. I felt lost.
I’m sure you ll find answers to all your questions. But the time is needed.
I find solution in books (like Abraham Hicks -Law of attraction), and I just let myself to enjoy life. You are your own person, you are beautiful and you are unique. Put your trust in the universe. Some things just meant to happen, some people have to go for your growth. Let go whatever is stealing your happiness and embrace life!
Aleksandra Ladygin
You are so beautiful, you deserve all best things in this life. I can understand that nobody knows what hides under beautuful photos, most of people think this is our life,.. but it is sometimes only cover.And we have same problems. I am sure all will be ok, just take some time….
rachel vogt
Oh this is such a sophisticate and sexy outfit. Love how you styled.
xoxo, Rachel
http://rachelvogttrends.com
Luke
Such an open and honest post. I hope by putting your feelings and current state into words it helps. Keep being beautiful!
Kemmy
Love the lower & boots!! I also purchase same boots.
Frank
Wow. Thank you for those intimate words.
You’re such an inspiration!
xx frank
Jennifer Lee Quattrucci
This is quite an extraordinary share and I can identify with so much here. You are not alone with cutting ties with people and finding yourself trying to attach yet keeping distant. Besides that , you look drop dead gorgeous!!!
Martin (ebylife1)
Truly honest post Ria! Thanks so much for sharing 🙂
LAFOTKA
But you look so incredible! I know lovely… It’s not easy but remember it all happens for a good reason! 🙂
Tatyana x
LAFOTKA
eric K
This i Think was very personal andI thank you for sharing this with us. You are not alone, we all go through times in out lives that are very devastating, to say the least. But then something magical happens and here we are , we are back, so never give up and that magical moment will be with you. 🙂
Maria Tettamanti
Chin up, neighbor! I’m here for ya.
Thai Lam
What a stunning outfit dear! Cant decide which piece I like more – ur pants or top?!
,mj junior
Classy!