Thinking about what I wanted to say about these photos I took on a fun and productive day back in December I hit a block. What can I say months later about a dress I don’t even think of anymore, and a hairstyle I’ve left behind. I’m both in the same place and so far from it. Where was I? Depressed but hopeful, happier more often than not. Months later I’m not hopeful and I’m rarely happy. I ask myself if I can keep going everyday.
photos by genstreetstyle
It’s hard to keep going, to keep pushing, to find motivation. To keep failing, to push past disappointment, to get out of bed, to communicate, to inflict myself on others. So I remain silent. I smile and I’m “fine”. Some days are better than others of course and some days it’s easier to pretend. I live completely alone now and it’s a nice freedom but I don’t know that it’s a good idea for someone coping with depression. My close friends are mostly mia, I rely on the company of new and fleeting friends, and I have no family. What do I have? I have a collection of strained relationships. Do you ever feel like anyone who ever loves you will eventually be suffocated by your flaws? No just me. Okay.
It’s a little after 2 am and I’m not a writer. It’s hard to come on here and whip up a cute little title and copy to go with these shots and wearing this dress. I know it’s unhealthy to define yourself by productivity but I can’t help it. I don’t know, I’ve got everything and nothing on my mind. I do know that every struggle real or imagined and every situation seems insurmountable and I have only me and I am not enough.