Thinking about what I wanted to say about these photos I took on a fun and productive day back in December I hit a block. What can I say months later about a dress I don’t even think of anymore, and a hairstyle I’ve left behind. I’m both in the same place and so far from it. Where was I? Depressed but hopeful, happier more often than not. Months later I’m not hopeful and I’m rarely happy. I ask myself if I can keep going everyday.
photos by genstreetstyle
It’s hard to keep going, to keep pushing, to find motivation. To keep failing, to push past disappointment, to get out of bed, to communicate, to inflict myself on others. So I remain silent. I smile and I’m “fine”. Some days are better than others of course and some days it’s easier to pretend. I live completely alone now and it’s a nice freedom but I don’t know that it’s a good idea for someone coping with depression. My close friends are mostly mia, I rely on the company of new and fleeting friends, and I have no family. What do I have? I have a collection of strained relationships. Do you ever feel like anyone who ever loves you will eventually be suffocated by your flaws? No just me. Okay.
It’s a little after 2 am and I’m not a writer. It’s hard to come on here and whip up a cute little title and copy to go with these shots and wearing this dress. I know it’s unhealthy to define yourself by productivity but I can’t help it. I don’t know, I’ve got everything and nothing on my mind. I do know that every struggle real or imagined and every situation seems insurmountable and I have only me and I am not enough.
The Comments
Agnes
Girl you are killing this look! Love the heels!
Agnes x
BlvckBee.Com
Clyde
If you ever need to talk, give me a call.
Ria
ClydeThank you so much Clyde <3
Liv
Love your dress!
Liv
livforstyle.net
Raven
I relate to this post completely
Tasha
Ria—
I feel you so much on all of this—it’s really hard to deal with depression—especially when you have to always put up a front outwardly to appear as happy, productive, carefree, etc. as possible all of the time. It’s a struggle that most people really will never understand unless they have been through it, and deal with it daily. So many people really have no clue what it feels like to be ‘fine’ one day, and then, one trigger can make you not fine for many days/weeks/months after that. It’s exhausting, and I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this.
Sending all the love and light I have your way—and if you ever need to talk, please feel free to reach out! I’m all ears!
Xx – Tasha
Ria
TashaThanks so much Tasha, really appreciate it. Yes, having to “be on” so much is definitely exhausting when you’re feeling less than stellar or just even staying motivated and getting things done when work feels like you aren’t getting back what you’re putting in. Thank you so much for your kind words.
xx
Macarena
Ria,
I’ve always looked up to your spitfire personality and your badass attitude. Keep your head up because you’re like no other. Plus, for lack of a better phrase haha, you’ve got a friend in me! I’m always here to talk. If you ever need a break from Miami, I’ve got a spare mattress in Philly. 🙂
Lots of love xo
Maca
Ria
MacarenaThanks so much babe, I hope Philly is treating you well.
xx
Oh to Be a Muse
I know these are just words on the internet from somebody you met once, but I just want to say that I hear you. I relate and I think you’re amazing.
Ria
Oh to Be a MuseThanks Cheryl, really means a lot! I hope we get to meet again and I love to follow along with all your success.
xx
Maria Tettamanti
Thanks for sharing your pain. Life is like this — ups and downs. Just keep pushing on. And I’m always a block away if you need anything:)
Andrea
Here for you babe <3
Dealing with depression sucks, you don't have to tell me but always know that there are so many people who care about you and who want to see you succeed and be happy.
I would say surround yourself with those people, take the time you need for yourself and take it one day at a time.
Things always get worse before they get better.
Sending infinite love your way.
<3