“I get so lonely I forget what I’m worth”
“I’m so ashamed of myself, I think I need therapy”
“Is it warm enough for ya inside me?”
“I’m sorry I’m so clingy”
“Lonely enough to let you treat me like this”
These lines hit hard. The weight of failed and failing relationships, romantic and platonic is heavy atop my depression. Relationships I’ve abandoned, relationships I outgrew, lost, wasn’t ready for blah blah. We don’t talk about the pain of relationships often. We’re public when things are good, bragging about our besties, or our “baes” but retreat when they sour. It’s silence when things go bad, save maybe a well crafted subtweet here and there.
I recently cut ties with my immediate family, hard. Weeks sometimes months go by without talking to friends that were once so present, weird. Ended things with my favorite person in the world, devastating. It’s a hard thing to accept these changes so. To accept that the party is over. I spend my time going over things I want to say but can’t. Snooping through profiles on the outside looking in, piecing together my own ideas of what’s going on. Wondering if they miss me too, are they doing the same? I say nothing, communication has never been a strong suit. I could win awards for my internalization skills though. I rarely ask for help, I get defensive, I shutdown, preferring to suffer in silence. Why would this be any different?
I’m open yet resistant to new people, finding flaws in everyone and everything. An excuse to be distant, an excuse to not cultivate the relationship. It makes more sense to me that someone wouldn’t extend an invite to me. Wouldn’t text me back. Wouldn’t reciprocate my feelings. That they would change their mind about me. What’s wrong with them that they would want to be in my life? What do they want from me? I tend to attach myself to people, I become wrapped up in them, I want to give everything I can…I’m open but I’m guarded. Am I opening myself up to more pain? More failures? More takers, more toxic energy because I’m seeking to fill the gaps left by those I once loved. Maybe I’ll never know the answer to that.